Hollylujah Harlot

Public Disgrace

2008-11-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

I just caught wind of the Kink.com Public Disgrace debacle. I read the commentary on Behind Kink. If you're looking for more fun stories about bdsm, you should skip this one. It's not fun at all.

A quick summary, for those not aware of what's happened. Kink.com, a prominent kinky porn website, has come up with a new section involving the public domination and fucking of models. By public, I mean in the street in front of civilians, not in front of a select group in a venue like, say, a bdsm event.

I can't begin to express how incredibly disappointing I found both the shoots and the "debate". I say "debate" because it became very clear that discussion was censored, and not just for flaming or off-topic comments, but also to inhibit commentary that clashed with the site's position.

First, some of the reactions to the disagreement and concern were exceedingly vicious and stifling. Far from considering the opinions and arguing in a thoughtful, reasoned manner, many of the commenters flung insults and accusations, all while dressing up their irrationality in righteous indignation over "free speech & expression", "moralizing" and "conservatism". From what I read, the dissenters were members of the community, though it seems that their disagreement quickly made them into an outgroup, free to be bashed and belittled. Oppressed becoming the oppressors, anyone?

How are we as a community to gain any respect or voice in society if we can't even give that to our own members? In this us versus them mentality, we are ignoring the basic reality that we are NOT a homogeneous group, that we have differing opinions, that there are bdsm practices that are controversial to some of us. That's right, us. It's not just outsiders who may disagree, it's your peers and fellow bdsm folks. Putting the kibosh on debate within the community is damaging and unproductive. We need to foster discussion, not squash it.

Second, the shoots. Though this shouldn't have to be said, let me lay it out anyway. I love bdsm. I feel so excited to be part of a community whose very motto is "safe, sane and consensual". I'm very socially liberal, and I feel that consenting adults should be able to get up to just about all their kinky hearts desire.

Why "just about all"? Because we don't get to do whatever we want without considering the impact on those around us. Regardless of whether the participants have consented, one does NOT have the right to impose oneself on others. Consent doesn't just apply to participants, but also to anyone who can see your activities. I don't care if it's not illegal in that country. I don't care if there are some "safeguards" in place. Whether minors or adults, NO ONE should have to witness a sex act without their consent. Obviously, this consent is implied if you visit a sex club, a bdsm event, a website, etc. There is no consent implied just by entering the public domain.

Yes, sex and bdsm are amazing, beautiful things. They are also things that a good majority of people feel are private and personal. Just because we may feel we're more mature about it, less repressed, more open, more this, that, or the other, does not give us the right to impose ourselves on others. We are not better than them because we think their beliefs are silly or childish or whatever. Our progressive attitudes about sexuality do not give us carte blanche to "educate" others by forcing them to witness our kinks.

Someone on the thread likened this to people having an issue with homosexual kissing on the street. OMFG. Are you fucking serious? How incredibly offensive to even equate the two. The right to kiss your lover, of whatever sex, on the street, to hold hands or express affection is absolutely not the same as the right to fuck in the street. Basic civil rights, meet entitlement. Homosexuality is not a lifestyle, it is an orientation. Kink is a lifestyle. We don't get civil rights as a group. Our rights are already protected by privacy laws, not equality laws. Puh-leeze. I have never heard anything so asinine in my life.

BDSM is (for most) a sexual thing. Even if it isn't for you, people watching think it is. We don't have the right to display overt sexuality to whoever we wish. People do, however, have the right to go about their daily lives in public without coming across people fucking or beating each other. This isn't conservatism, this is the ethical consideration of others. How is this hard for people to understand?

Personally, I find the idea of being fucked and degraded in public super hot. I would love it. I also find the idea of broadcasting my homemade porn on national tv incredibly sexy. But it is not ethically acceptable to do this. Why? Because for something to be safe, sane and consensual, everybody has to consent. The doers and the watchers.

I think this whole thing sheds a very negative light on our community. I think some people's enthusiasm for kink has blinded them to basic reality. This is not about making everybody accept us. This is about our right to do what we want in our relationships, in our bedrooms or dungeons or other appropriate venues. Public space is not an appropriate venue to do whatever you want. You have the right to shit, but not in public. You have the right to fuck, but not in public. Entitlement, party of many, right this way.

Switching

2008-11-18T21:25:00.000-08:00

Technically, I'm not just a pro-domme. I'm a pro-switch. I tend to emphasize the domme side as I do relatively few sessions as a submissive. This weekend, however, was a subby bonanza. I had no less than four sub sessions and it was fantastic. I ate it up. I am naturally very dominant, so allowing someone to top me, however rarely, is always a unique thrill. I feel like I learn so much about myself and about topping in general every single time I submit to another.

As a submissive, I am exquisitely aware of the ever-fluid lines of my pain tolerance. Some days I'm stronger than others, and all kinds of things play their own part in it, from how rested I am to where I am in my cycle. This past weekend emphasized for me how very important the chemistry between players can be.

A particular new top, we'll call him G, came to see me. He was exactly the kind of top that makes me want to continue to do professional subbing. He listened to everything I had to say in negotiation. He clearly and completely outlined his interests and experience. He had not the slightest quibble with my boundaries, and when he gave me my requested warm-up, it was a real warm-up. Not 30 seconds of distracted light spanking, but a good 20 minutes of thorough, gentle build-up.

I can take quite a bit, but I need my warm-up. I'm not a natural masochist. In fact, I thought I wasn't a masochist at all. I tolerated pain because it was part of it, but I can't say I ever really reveled in it. Apart from a couple of good spankings, my pleasure in submission came entirely from my ability to withstand the pain, to conquer it, and to please my top. Not this time. G completely inspired me to blast through my upper limit of pain tolerance. I say 'blast' because it was no slow and steady work-through, but rather an incredible near-doubling of my past abilities. When we were finished, I was glowing. I grinned like a school girl. During the session I was yelling like there was no tomorrow, my screams echoing throughout the house, but when I finished, I was floating.

Why was it so compelling for me? He was incredibly respectful. He asked me before he brought in anything new. He appreciated my body but he didn't act like tits and ass were all he was there for. In fact, I was in bra and panties the entire time. He paid attention to my every response, he gave me appropriate breathing room after each peak of pain, and he checked in with me often. He watched my face as he hurt me. He looked into my eyes as he caused me pain. He had no shame about what he was doing, perhaps because he made sure that every moment was consensual. It was easily the sexiest scene I have ever had. And it hurt like fucking hell.

Afterward, he complimented me. I know that a lot of dominants forget to do quality after care. I've been guilty of it myself. But when someone has just given you their body to torture and play with, some appreciation is in order. It doesn't have to be effusive praise, cuddling, or overly flowery gratitude. A simple, "I enjoyed X. I like the way you Y" will do quite nicely.

So perhaps I am a masochist after all. I loved that session, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, despite or perhaps because of the intensity generated by just a few carefully placed clothespins. I just needed the right top to bring it out of me. The right chemistry, the right connection.

I'll have to remember a few of those spots for my own subs. Inner arm, anyone?

And a very merry unbirthday, to me, to me!

2008-11-11T02:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my fellow mistress invited me and another pair of mistresses to her pet's birthday celebration. Four hours of festivities, champagne and sweets. K, one of my very favorite friends, and I arrived just in time for a rousing round of "happy birthday", complete with dim lights and dripping candles. Towards the end, it was a little difficult to hear the words over the exclamations of our "cake", but we managed to finish the sing along and toasted the occasion with delicious, fizzy glasses of champagne. The birthday boy, nearly covered with cooling wax, was (un)fortunately tied to the table hand and foot, but he was able to take part in the toast due to the thoughtful ministrations of Mistress C, who lovingly poured his portion from her own mouth into his.

What could be more fun than toasting my lovely fellows over the squirming, moaning body of the birthday boy himself?

The real dessert, however, was most decidedly not for silverware, and as his mistress spelled out the salutation on our delicious toes, we took turns applying and tasting our decorations. Here, a thigh, there, a breast, it was all fair game. As he blew out the candles and tasted his birthday words on our toes, she and I swirled the last of it off of each other with our thorough tongues. The inimitable taste of hot skin, mingled with the sweetness of frosting, lingers on my tongue today.